Title: The Berenstain Bears Get Their Kicks
by Stan and Jan Berenstain
This is one of a series of, I don't know, 5 million different Berenstain Bear books and I have to say I'm pretty indifferent to reading them. My wife hates them, she thinks they're very preachy, and I can see her point. Some of the books in the series are literally preachy, since they cover the topics of religion and God, but this one has a topic many people are religious about - soccer. Yes, a boring book about the world's most boring sport, soccer. Playing soccer is indeed more fun than watching it (unless there's a hooligan riot) but much of playing soccer is the equivalent of watching it. When you play it as a kid, and you get the passed the ball, you get determined to make a goal. You push and push that ball down the field, and kick it toward the goal and ... the goalie catches it. Then you repeat. And repeat. You get a lot of running in, so it is a good cardiovascular workout. I often see Latin American guys at the park playing soccer...excuse me, futbol...and it seems like the most fun they're having is in taunting and cursing each other while running around. You could well do that while hanging out on the corner, but it doesn't make much for an organized sport.
The plot of the book involves the "traditional" woodsbear Papa, who loves American sports like baseball and basketball, being incensed that his kids would like a sport like soccer. Eventually, when he sees that they've developed a level of skill at it, he starts to appreciate the sport and gives his kids the acceptance they crave. In other words, if he thought they sucked at it, he wouldn't be so approving of it. Nothing is more frustrating than having talentless children. If they had not been good at soccer, and not made their pee-wee teams, then Papa would have felt OK about forcing them to play baseball.
The Berenstain Bears series' biggest crime is that they are written like a car care manual. The illustrations are cute (yes, that is the best word to describe it) but don't seem to be 'illustrating' much because the books are so damn talky. This particular book is late in the series that they started publishing in the 1970s and this is from about ten years ago. You sense that there's a template the Berenstains are following, and there isn't much flair or creativity in their use of language. In the book's defense, they are designed for young readers so their language has to be simple. But does it have to be so joyless? Consider word choices like this; in one scene, Papa expresses his disdain in this sentence - "'Humph,' humphed Papa." Who writes like that? How about "Humph, snorted Papa" or even "Papa thought it silly." Something along those lines. Another example; when Papa sees the field where the soccer tryouts are being held, it's described as having kids kicking the soccer balls around with coaches and men "writing things down on clipboards." Really brings reading to life, doesn't it? Men writing things on clipboards? Wow, I have to go there. The men with clipboards, it turns out, are the team officials noting who's going to make the cut. Perhaps soccer isn't an exciting sport to represent, but the major turning point of the story here is the soccer tryouts and the posting of who made the team. That's it, that's the story of the book? How about some exciting goal scoring or butting the ball with the head? The thrill of competition? Believe it or not, the high point of the story is Papa Bear talking to the soccer league commissioner, a smirking guy in yellow sunglasses who looks like a meter maid in a sweater. "My kids made the team?" That's it. The high point of the story. No thrilling soccer game, no triumphant display of athletic prowess. Just soccer drills that impress one parent.
The Berenstain's try hard to discuss modern issues with their characters, but take everything so literally. Plus, it's hard to take their discussion of contemporary issues seriously when the missives or life lessons come out of the mouths of parents who look like Ma and Pa Kettle. Brother and Sister Bears' parents might as well be a mammy doll and a lawn jockey.
Assessment: Though I find reading this book a chore, my daughter loves it. I've seen her kick the ball around the yard, so maybe she's gearing up for a career in soccer. But she likes all of the Berenstain Bear books for some unfathomable reason. Perhaps it is their simplicity and lack of florid language. My daughter also likes to eat plain white tofu.
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